What hurts the most
by callie rawston
Summary: My take on the Sam / Tom situation as per episode of 04/05/13 and slightly the upcoming episode on 11/05/13. A one shot.


**Okay, so it has been the most incredibly long time since I posted anything at all but right now I am feeling inspired and it is all thanks to the lovely Anny. I hope you enjoy this, it is my take on Sam and Tom. **

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**What hurts the most…..**

Sam found herself focusing intently on the glass in front of her, her hands cupped so tightly around it that she feared it may shatter into a million tiny pieces, which in itself was an image she felt appropriate given the circumstances. Until that moment she had considered that what hurt the most was Tom openly flirting with another woman right in front of her eyes, just as he had done on many other occasions. However that reflection had been before she had averted her gaze away from the scene that had been unfolding in front of her eyes and on turning her head had discovered that far from being oblivious to the events at the bar, almost the entire ED staff were staring at her or directly over her shoulder in astonishment.

Sam pondered momentarily at their surprise, as Tom's behaviour was something she had grown used to in the uncertainty that had faced her since their first night together many months ago. She knew that there had been more than one occasion where she had anticipated they would be drinking and heading off together, only to discover that he had gone off with someone else, as he had done with Tamzin, or that his intentions on reaching the bar had been lain elsewhere. However she recalled that until fairly recently their mutual colleagues would have had limited knowledge of their more intimate connection, perhaps it being a suspicion as opposed to an absolute certainty, and therefore she speculated that Tom's casual dismissal of their relationship had gone unnoticed by all concerned. She silently acknowledged that all that had changed in recent weeks, as the man himself had ensured everyone witnessed his very public moment of affection towards her and it was all she could do not to turn around to glare at him for putting her in this position in the first place. In fact she was certain that if she hadn't been afraid of her own potential reaction to what was likely happening behind her, she would have done just that.

Sam breathed deeply and forced herself to look up, attempting to fix an expressionless mask across her face, knowing full well that she was incapable at this moment of even faking a smile. She inwardly winced at the paternal concern that was radiating in her direction from Jeff and Ash, deciding instantly that the two men would not be impressed with the activities occurring in their eye line, but her feelings at this were instantly replaced with embarrassment as she felt her cheeks redden slightly as the newly qualified nurses joined their more experienced counterparts in sending her looks of sympathy at the situation. However it was the immense degree of disapproval that she sensed from Zoe's icy stare that nearly crippled her, which was when it hit home that as awful as it was that Tom had yet again chosen someone else over her, what hurt the most was the abject humiliation she felt at being exposed as unwanted once more in front of Dr Hanna.

Sam supposed that she should be taking comfort from the fact that Tom had been acting incredibly out of character for the past week since the incident with the baby, but unsurprisingly the fact that he had a reason for this behaviour wasn't a reassurance to her. It had been eight months or so since their first drunken kiss, in this very bar, and from what she had been part of since she knew that she had reason to assume tonight was not the last time she would bear witness to such a scene. She tried to brush off the thought that for a man who made such a fuss about wanting strings to be attached, after months of demonstrating he wanted exactly the opposite, he seemed to think that these only applied in one direction. His vehement and palpable anger at her the morning after the recent misdiagnosis had only proved that, when he had been visibly on edge with her as she had not been home when he first called round. She knew that her clarification that she had been for a run to relieve the tension of the night should have been all the explanation he needed for her absence, and the fact that it wasn't sufficient for him was not lost on her, nor was the fact that he had arrived at her home with no prior warning or arrangement. However she recalled the lurch in her stomach as he had banged around in her kitchen and the sinking feeling that overwhelmed her as he tugged her up from the chair and convinced her to join him upstairs, and knew that the events of that day had felt simultaneously disconcerting and yet expected all at once. That she had relented to his request without question despite her annoyance at him irritated her, but not so much as when he had zipped up his trousers thirty minutes later and left her in the house alone for the remainder of the day before appearing in the staffroom that night as if nothing had happened. Sam reflected that she had meant to speak to him about that but somehow the conversation topic had never come up, which meant an entire week later she had still failed to tell him quite how cheap and dirty his actions had made her feel.

Sam jolted herself from her thoughts and back to the present, with it immediately dawning on her from the expressions of her colleagues that the simple act of flirting that had been her last view of the situation had escalated into something more. She flinched in alarm when she felt Robyn's hand touch hers, before realising that it was the simple gesture of friendship from someone she had been incredibly harsh towards recently, yet as much as she tried Sam could not find any strength to bring a reassuring smile to her face, nor attempt to offer any words of explanation as to what was going on. She knew that it had been Tom who had brought their relationship out into the open weeks before, he who insisted on recognising it publically as something serious that needed to be acknowledged despite her having long since given up on him ever reaching that stage and it was for that reason Sam felt her hackles rise. The hurt of him straying having just declared his heart would have been enough to drain her of all the energy she had left, but that he was now enacting this in such a way that she was losing the respect of her colleagues with every passing second was too much for her to bear.

Breathing deeply she removed her hand from Robyn's grasp and picked up the glass in front of her, putting it to her lips and draining it in one swig. She stood quickly and noisily, as the stool scraped back across the wooden floor, and attempted to ignore the concerned looks as she turned away from the table, picking up her bag and coat as she did so. From the corner of her eye she could just see Jeff and Fletch hovering, as if about to intervene if the situation turned nasty but that just sharpened her resolve. Sam strode towards the bar, attempting to look purposeful and with her head high, despite feeling about an inch tall and as if she was dying inside. She ordered a drink from the first barman to look in her direction, meeting his gaze so forcefully she was sure she frightened the young man slightly. As the measure was poured she momentarily glanced sideways and caught side of the man who had crawled into her bed the night before without so much as a word until he was midway through removing her pyjama top. She was sure that if the situation hadn't been so bewildering and absurd it would have been comical because in that very moment, less than twenty four hours later, she was observing the same man locked in a passionate embrace with a young dark haired girl who had caught his eye on their entry to the bar merely an hour previously. Sam held her focus on the couple for a few moments, wondering at what point the sight itself would make her feel like she needed to vomit, but quickly looked away as Tom broke from his companion to converse with the barman, uttering words that Sam was not sure she would even want to hear.

She knew she shouldn't be surprised that he was showing no consideration for her feelings, remembering with disdain that this was not the first time such a situation had occurred, albeit this was the first that involved this level of humiliation on her behalf but it was this escalation that had thrown her. Since they had announced, by the act of a kiss in the ED reception, that they were very much an item, it had been much commented on that she was lucky to have someone who understood her world and her work to go home to, someone likeminded to cuddle up with after a long shift and share worries, concerns and stories of the day with. Yet despite the public persona of smiles that she had put on, Sam was well aware that behind closed doors her connection with Tom had never been like that. On the shift that had recently led Tom into so much trouble he had started the evening by slapping her on the bottom, not once but twice, in front of Fletch, a gesture that he would have known she would hate and he had subsequently failed to notice that her mood had darkened, cracking jokes about her teenage self rather than identifying that something had actually been bothering her. Sam recalled that it had been her who had been required to provide him with the brief comfort of sex to relieve his stress and she who had offered to support him when he was called to speak to Zoe after the child's parents had made a complaint and yet not once had he questioned what had riled her. She conceded inwardly that it was not a positive sign that Robyn had understood she was in a bad place that day and confronted her over it, but the man who shared her bed had just found the whole episode amusing.

Sam took the drink that was being provided to her by the barman, and downed it in one, with the intention of exiting the bar with the additional courage the alcohol would give her without so much as a backwards glance. However as she put down her glass she noticed the barman closest to Tom gesture in his direction, which appeared to be a signal for the once more intertwined couple to make for the door. Sam found her feet instinctively following them, realising with a sickening feeling that the earlier exchange she had witnessed was the ordering of a taxi and that Tom really was going home with someone else that evening. Sam wasn't sure if it was an act of self-punishment that made her want to physically see him enter the vehicle with this woman, an act all too similar to that which had occurred when she had first gotten drunk with him and then spent the short journey to her home with his hands running up underneath her top as they kissed, or whether it was knowing that if she remained static the pitying looks she would receive as others attempted to console her would destroy any semblance of dignity she had left, but Sam found herself coming to a stop just outside the door staring into the dim gloom lit only by taxi light.

In spite of herself she had to catch her breath when the taxi door slammed shut and it pulled away, Tom not even looking up from his backseat activity to see that she was there but it was the noise from behind her that startled her. As she instantly recognised from the sound of heels clicking and the lighting of a cigarette that her companion in the half-light was Zoe, Sam scurried away into the darkness before her senior could utter a single word. It was humiliating enough that her colleagues had witnessed the events of the evening, never mind that Zoe herself had been there to see it and Sam knew without question that in a matter of hours from this moment she would be the subject of many commiserative looks and people halting their conversations as she neared, and that would be before Dr Hanna would make a pointed comment about having warned them about their connection impacting on the shift patterns.

Sam was certain that she would not have the words to explain to Zoe that she needn't worry about such a thing, because come the early hours Tom would be back on her doorstep demanding attention and a bed for the night like nothing amiss had occurred. Sam reflected that things were bad when she had to consider quite how she would react to that, despairing of herself as the cool night air made her catch her breath and she realised that she would be unlikely to turn him away. She could not put her finger on precisely how or why things had gotten to this point but somewhere along the way she appeared to have lost her sense of self away from him, because for a reason she was unable to comprehend or explain even to herself, the humiliation of the night would be lessened by him still coming back to her in the morning even though she was well aware how weak that would make her appear to the world around her.

Sam found herself at her front door before she had even had chance to process her thoughts, quickly identifying that she must have run some of the way as a sort of escape from all that was going on inside her head. She silently slipped her key into the lock and let herself into the familiar space, a space that despite being her home was filled with memories and recollections of time she had spent with the man who had so studiously avoided her that evening.

It took her a matter of minutes to ready herself for bed but she found herself unable to shut her mind off, despite the cool darkness of the room and comfort of her surroundings. She had recently grown used to having someone beside her, for part of the night at least, and her bed felt empty without the tall frame of Tom for her to lie beside. She found herself dozing off for short periods of time, before awakening and reaching out half expecting to find he had somehow joined her and being oddly disappointed that he had not.

On one such occasion Sam was certain that she had been arisen from her slumber by a disturbance and as she lay there for a moment she heard the rapping of her front door, knowing without hesitation that it would be Tom on the other side. She sleepily roused herself from her bed, her body dragging itself unwillingly down the stairs and towards the door as if compelled to open it in spite of her better judgement. Sam stopped in the hallway and leant forward so her forehead was resting against the door, certain that she could hear his breathing on the other side. The silent argument going on inside her head felt so loud that she could not hear herself think and she was completely torn between having him walk away, perhaps never to return, and the shame she would feel on arriving with him the next morning, with everyone around them knowing that despite his misdemeanours she had willingly taken him back.

However as Sam allowed her mind a moment to deliberate, her hand automatically reached for the handle, turning it until she heard the catch click and stepping backwards to allow it to be pushed towards her. The cold breeze grabbed her as the door slowly opened and she caught the expression of the man standing on her doorstep, an apparently strange mixture of apologetic and smug. As he stepped towards her she backed away from him, but eventually allowed him to envelop her in his hold and as she did she inhaled the smell of an unfamiliar perfume on his neck.

It was in the moment where she felt his hand slip into hers and him manoeuvre her up the stairs that Sam realised that whilst it might hurt more than she could bear that Tom treated her like he did, what hurt the most was that she never really mattered to him at all and that a year on from issuing her husband with divorce papers to give herself the chance to start over she had found herself stuck in a relationship Dylan had all but given his blessing towards but was not making her happy. So as she allowed herself to be pushed back on the bed as Tom kissed her neck, Sam had to acknowledge into the darkness that what really hurt the most was that if Dylan ever had the reason to walk back into her life, he wouldn't even recognise the woman she had become and that the woman she was to the only man she had ever loved no longer existed.

What hurt the most was that in trying to get over losing him, she somehow had allowed herself to get lost and she wasn't certain if she could ever get the real Sam back again.

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**Thank you for reading and if you enjoyed, please review.**

**x**


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